No Answers

Nolan padded down the stairs about 90 minutes after being put to bed tonight. He says he is not sick nor did he have a bad dream.  He knows nothing of today's tragedy in Newton, CT . He just needed to be by me. Ironic, because tonight more than any other night, I needed him. He climbed onto the couch and stretched out in between my legs and was snoring in 2 minutes flat. As I look down at his lashes so long that they make a shadow on his face, I started to cry. How many of the 20 innocent children murdered today had long lashes? How many parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and friends are staring at gifts under the Christmas tree tonight that will never be opened? How can life ever go on when your baby is ripped from this earth in an act of such violence? How many siblings will have to live the rest of their lives wondering what little brother or sister would have grown up to be? Where any of them twins?

The pain is unfathomable. I don't want to think about it, but I have to. Just because I homeschool doesn't mean we are 100% safe. This could (and does) happen anywhere. The mall, the movies, hospitals.

After hearing the news today, I was in a farmers market. A man walked in, both hands buried in jacket pockets. He was unkempt and muttering to himself, his eyes shifted nervously. Probably totally harmless, but at that moment I had a panic attack. I walked out without buying anything. I can't run away forever, but today I did.

We have become an angry society. Someone in front of you is going a mile under the speed limit and the car behind is honking and yelling. The cashier isn't moving as fast as you'd like, so you make some rude comment. So many have no patience or kindness in their hearts.  Mentally ill people either have no where to go because there are no beds, they can't pay for it, or no one cares enough to speak up and help them.

Violence has become an acceptable way to deal with problems. Rappers sing about it like it is a tea party. Kids play violent video games at such a young age that they know no other way to deal with problems than to hit someone. Or worse, pick up a gun with bad intentions. (I was raised in a home with guns. I learned to shoot. I learned respect for them. No matter what gun laws are made, they will always make it into the hands of those that really want them.)

I'm not an ultra religious person. I believe in a higher power, but at times like this I question how any higher power could let something like this happen. People say things like, "everything happens for a reason"  or "God needed more angels." That is bull. There is NO reason why 20 little kids will never ride their bike around the block again, put a tooth under the pillow for the tooth fairy, or kiss their parents good night. Why 7 adults will never see their children get married or bounce their Grand-babies on their knees. NO REASON.

This was not a random act of violence. This person knew where he was going and what he was going to do when he got there. He is described as being "off", but was on enough to plot this massacre and get himself some body armor in the process. I'm angry that he had access to guns. Why would there be guns in the house with him? If his mom was afraid of him enough to buy a gun(s) then something else should have been done for everyone's safety.


I have no answers tonight. Only tears.

Life will go on for us, but not for 26 families in CT.